so the past couple days have been crazy and emotionally breaking for me..

well.. im just going to be so openly honest in this thing. only bc right now im not emotionally stable..........so friday, Drew said something so odd to me. well, it was like cute, but ehh, he told me, "we fit together." i didnt really know what to say. i never have any good comebacks when it comes to crap like that. after that i couldnt help but to think "omg thats so cute" ya kno. but of course, bc mother nature and KARMA hate me so much.. Drew didnt fuck it up this time, i did..So on to saturday.. i was in Philly the whole day. well i came home around 8, met up w Nate, and went to Walmart to get snacks for my party. then after people arrived, it got retarded. apparently, me selling out, and letting people in my house to get intoxicated just isnt enough to have fun. so people wanted to go out to the frats of West Chester. yeah im never gonna have another one of THOSE again! anyway skip to about 4 hours later, and here comes bad news: yeah, ok, i shouldnt have done it. and i guess i cant really say any excuses. just reasons. Jim and randy came back w Doll n McC from the frats and Jim was just smaaaaaaaaaaaaaashed! well, in light of the holiday that it was, his drunk ass got w Doll, then me. ok, and normally i wouldnt have done it. i mainly did it bc "hey, its halloween! its a party! its MY party! what the hey!" ya kno? but i guess i didnt really REALIZE (bc im the biggest idiot in the world) that drew saw and he got pissed. well DUHR! and i didnt really think it was a big deal bc (and i told him this) "whats the big deal anyway? were not going out, youre not my boyfriend! who cares? youre still in love w your ex gf! hows that supposed ot make me feel?!" somehow that got brought up last night (i slept over Drew's again) and he said, in a way he wants to be my boyfriend (??). but he'd feel so guilty bc of everything w his ex. hes still not over her, so it would be unfair to me to be his next chick ya kno. which is EXACTLY my thoughts. not like i really need a boyfriend right now anyway. i kinda want one, but i dont NEED one. right now, all i need is a friend.. (DANNY!). i really should NOT be complicating my life right now with "boi drama" especially bc im gonna be an emotional train wreck for the next few days. oh man, you have no idea how fucking bad i felt sunday. well sunday all i did was cry about every 15 minutes bc i knew that's the last day i'd see my sister for a while. but not only that, i felt so fucking bad about what i did. well its not that i felt bad that i kissed jim, bc i kinda dont. i feel more bad for the fact i was an ignorant bitch to do it in front of him. THAT was just hooooooooooorrible. seriously, i felt so bad. and it takes a LOT for me to feel bad for something i did to a guy. bc lets face it, i dont know how to respect romantic partners, or friends for that matter. look at the model of a matrimonial bond i looked at for the past 18 years-my parents! thats a joke! soo yeah, i dont know how to respect people, or be considerate of feelings, or just be nice to people! so i dont kno how to respect guys.. as human beings. i look at them the way they look at women. as disposable and forever-replaceable sex objects, or "just another score (from s Homegrown song)" yes i know that was REALLY mean, but oh well. like i just witnessed, it keeps me from getting hurt. bc everytime i DONT do that, i get hurt. but keeping myself from being hurt, i hurt others at the same time.Chau text messaged me yesterday "call me when youre done class" so i called her when i got out of Psych and i asked her if she called dad sunday night. i felt so bad. bc he was actually sad on the phone. she said he was all 'why so far away?" and he actually asked if he could see her one last time before they left. especially bc my dad hasnt even seen the twins yet. in a way i feel really bad. on monday when he came over my house, he was sittin there eating when me n Drew came home from Hibachi. i just sat there and looked at him wondering, "did Chau call him? is he thinking about it right now?" and its sad, and a shame i cant even talk about it with him. i for some reason feel like i cant even talk about it w Gwen. i dont kno, me n gwen.. our compatability and communication levels w each other have been down the crapper recently. ever since august. even tho the Three Sisters, sunday night, had a good little talk about communicating better. (im sittin here in the lounge at Sykes and someone just said "New Mexico" geez..) anyways i was walking to Drew's car when i was talking to chau yesterday on the phone, and i almost started crying again. last night i called her around 9 to ask where or what state she was in. bc they left for the road around 4 oclock. she was past harrisburg but still in PA last night when she called me back at 10:30. they were at the Ramada Inn. ohh la la. with an indoor heated pool!everyone's kinda pissed at what happened at my house on Halloween, w Kristina and everything, i dont kno why but im not that mad. i guess i should be a little offended but i guess i stopped really paying attention to it bc the very next day was the last day i saw my sister. and maybe i just realized its not a big deal bc, "HEY! my oldest sister is moving 2200 miles away! lets not bitch about the little things!"i gotta get to Bio.. later!